who is a successfull coach, professional Ironman triathlete, and business person that I have been following for a little while. A source of inspiration, if you will. He has both an interesting, and motivating story related to his journey from being an overweight guy working in Hong Kong to making top 3 finishes in triathlons, and what it takes to make that step. He does alot of writing discussing philosphies and just random ideas about the life of a motivated triathlete. Much of it is well done, and very thought provoking. I would write my own thoughts on this subject, but at the current moment I really do not have the time or mental capacity to put my thoughts onto paper. Instead, I think this article does well at summarizing what I would have wrote. As I find more chances to write, I'll be sure to share my personal thoughts. I hope you enjoy it as much I do...
The Conversation
Let’s talk about something that matters -- something with no value at all.
Life is good overall and I keep reminding myself about the surf board metaphor you suggested. To keep riding the wave.
In a bit of a lull right now following Ironman New Zealand.
I checked your results, you did really well! Go Gordo!
Sometimes it's a bit strange not to be able to tell somebody how I am thinking -- as you can imagine -- it's a little weird living up here in my head.
So what would you like to tell somebody ? I actually don't think you're weird, you're GORDO. I think Stu would agree.
I found a wonderful book last week. Its called The Missing Piece meets the Big O. Fabulous children's book with a story for adults. I'll show it to you sometime.
The Missing Piece is shaped like a wedge (but for you, lets just say, it’s shaped like a piece of cake). It goes looking for its missing piece and encounters many other pieces on their journey. Finally it meets a piece that fits it just right (open mouth PAC MAN shaped piece), they're happy then something happens. The Missing Piece (cake shaped one) starts to grow and it doesn't fit any more. They both get disappointed and separate.
After some time of lulling in the grass, our cake shaped Missing Piece meets a shape its never seen before..the BIG O. It asks the Big O whether it is its missing piece. The Big O says it’s not missing anything at all. But The Missing Piece is welcome to roll along with him.
The Missing Piece says that it’s not possible to roll with its corners and edges, "it’s just not built to roll". The Big O tells the missing piece that it should learn how to 'roll'.
The Big O says edges and corners wear of, you just have to try. Then it rolls away.
The Missing Piece sits, and sits and then one day it decides to give this rolling business a try. It pushes its self really hard; it gets on to one edge then "flops" on to one side. It tries again, big push and then "flops" on another side. This continues for a while, flop, flop, flop.
Soon, the corners become rounder and it bounces and bumps. Then its bounce bounce bounce. Then it’s a bumpy roll. Then, YEAH, its round !!!!!! Its rolling !!!!
A few pages later, we see the Missing Piece rolling along with The Big O.
The secret to life, as taken from this sweet story, is to learn how to roll. ;^)
But you know this already. I enjoyed sharing it with you.
I enjoyed your story -- made me smile. Very useful to be reminded about the benefits of rolling.
So what's on my mind? What can't I say to those around me...
Well, I miss drinking sometimes. I miss the certain crazy freedom that results from it. At one level, I know that booze is a false god but it's kind of an enjoyable diversion. I get a similar feeling of freedom when I am racing on my bike. Similar but different. I suppose it has to do with all externals being numbed or pushed out of my reality.
I pushed myself quite hard for my last race -- sometimes I think that all this is my mind bouncing back from a period of high intensity. The yang searching for some yin. Maybe that's it -- I need more yin these days!
I also miss red wine kisses -- don't get many of those these days and they were a most enjoyable part of my past life. You can't really talk about red wine kisses with people -- they'd think I was talking about kissing them as opposed to the generally enjoyable nature of a red wine kiss. Not many people truly appreciate the delicious nature of a red wine kiss. It's something I miss. That red wine kiss.
What else is on my mind? Well, at times, I wonder why it's so tough for me to compromise and why I have no interest in following a path that is anywhere near "normal". They I get back on my mission... and the world slots back into place. Then I realize that I'm doing what I want and who really cares about being normal.
I get lots of positive feedback from folks but I wonder it they miss the overall point -- the statement that I try to make/live. You see many are inspired by success -- success in an outward definition (earning more, having more, being faster, being stronger, leaner...). That's not the point -- I think the real point is about being inspired by someone's truth -- the fact that they have made a decision to follow their heart. When people elevate others based on success, I wonder how they see themselves. Do they judge their worth vis-à-vis their relative position in life? Possibly I simply have an issue with people being inspired by one whose faults are so apparent to me...
It doesn’t take any courage to do what you love every day.
At times, I wish for somebody that I could simply talk to without their trying to figure out my motivation. It's a touch difficult at times because I think I have a concern about folks becoming dependant on me -- perhaps the real issue is the other way around. Perhaps I simply need to write more -- my writing has slowed. That could be it. The page doesn't care about my motivation. I haven't published anything meaningful in a long time. I have written a HUGE amount -- my book comes out soon -- Amazon cross referenced under "Bryn" must be because nobody can spell my name! That made me smile, when I realized why it happened.
So I write a lot of technical stuff but nothing that engages the spirit. I went out and bought books by Rumi, Krishnamurti and Yogananda -- needed to get some light in my head.
So there isn't really any resolution -- I know the right path for me -- as at right now... Just spiritual noise flowing through and around me at times.
I don't suppose there is anything to fix, nothing really to decide either. I've my game plan and I'll give it a whirl for the summer.
I reread the entire message
...and then I realized what was missing.
It was the experience of being loved
...and you made that return.
Some will be jealous of that gift
...as they covet the right to make me glow.
But it’s not possible to possess the Buddha
...and control the flow of love.
The mind is an interesting thing. Recently, my mind has been rather nostalgic. Calling out to past loves. As I lie in bed observing my thoughts and wondering about their source, I’ve come to realize a few things.
I don’t think I actually miss any one person, per se. What I think I am missing is the way that person made me feel – or possibly – the way that person saw me. I have a friend from university days and I’ve always told her that spending time with her is great because she sees me the way that I want to be seen. Her image of me matching my perceived image of myself. Time with her is always harmonious. Images, thoughts, the mind – they can be somewhat disruptive at times. Certain people, certain situations drawing us in, drawing our minds in, it can be very tough to break-out of the patterns.
Anyhow, I was lying in bed watching my mind tell me how perfect things were with her and how much I missed her. At the same time there was another thought line running.
OK, even if things were perfect (which we know they weren’t) – what are you really missing here? Because the person that you think you remember certainly doesn’t exist more than ten years later. In fact, that person likely didn’t exist even back then. What’s really being missed is the feelings (the joy) that you experienced when that person was around. But, hey, can you even trust your memory that you did experience that joy. After all, it was quite a long time ago.
Mulling that thought made me smile and I was thinking about the major patterns of my life repeating over time. On reflection, I realized that I am just the same in terms of happiness. The missing element being a simple catalyst to release the sides of my personality that I tend to hold back most of the time. A person to help me move past my personal reluctance – the issue residing within me.
Krishnamurti asks, “Do your beliefs bring you happiness?” ...and I would do well to remember that point.
You see, I start to feel “something” when I listen to people talking about their fate lying in the hands of others. I think our faith ultimately lies inside our heads – for the world will tend to conform exactly to how we perceive it.
Something great is happening – give praise to the master plan that is bringing me such happiness.
Something tough is happening – accept that this is the master plan and work through the situation.
I talk about resistance being the source of much unhappiness and this belief in outside forces controlling our lives is a clear form on non-resistance. So why does it generate these feelings inside of me?
Resistance is futile
Question reality
I received an email from someone who was having issues with love. Similar to what I had been mulling above. Here’s what I wrote:
Let's assume that the important thing is to experience love – rather than -- to experience loving something/someone. What our mind/soul wants is to experience love. Other people, other things merely act as catalysts to help us experience love. It's the experience that we crave, not the person. In fact, our view of a person, is simply that... a view. The person takes on all the characteristics that we see fit to give them. That's why we tend to think people are awesome when we first meet them -- they are taking on all the ideal characteristics that we see fit to give them. After time, we might start to see them differently and all of a sudden "they change". In reality, they haven't changed at all -- we have merely changed the characteristics that we decide to give them.
Quite often we assume that we have lost something when we fall out of a relationship with a person. We may have lost something but it could be different from what we think. We've merely lost our catalyst. There are many other catalysts available to us: nature, movement, friends... where ever we choose to place it, there can be love to be shared and experienced. Now, this doesn't make the pain and loss that we might feel any less stressful. However, in providing a framework to what's happening, it might help us avoid obsessing on a person or an issue. Because what we are really lacking is a catalyst. The magical person never really existed (except in our mind). Even if they did exist, due to the dynamic nature of ourselves, that person is gone having been changed by the experiences in their own life.
Related to all of the above is possession within relationships. If I merely want to experience love then it doesn't really matter if a person comes or goes (although there are clear social benefits from sticking with the same person -- but it's not essential from a pure happiness viewpoint). There is no ownership because I can't experience that love if I am trying to hang on to them. However, in a mind that's been conditioned that the only way it can be happy is if it "owns" love - it can be very scary to be in a relationship with a person that gives you the freedom to do what you want. A thought spins off that... "if we don't possess each other then you might just leave" -- yes, but if my need is to experience love and you are a catalyst then why would I leave? Anyhow, that is my own explanation to myself on how I can be happy with limited interaction with folks (at times). There's some more but that's enough for now -- time to get dressed for my ride.
A great Krishnamurti quote, "I can only be deceived when I want something." That relates quite well to relationships.
Anyhow, that's what I do while driving 000s of Ks across the world. I mull things over while drinking coffee and listening to tunes.
Lots of Qs on love these days. Perhaps I should have published earlier? I think we are always called to love and love is always calling us.
But before I get into the next one. I had a little smile from two points raised by a buddy:
When we meet a person, we only see what we expect them to be. Reality is conforms to our expectations. When we are in a relationship, our partner is initially seen only as we want them to be. That’s why they are largely perfect. It’s simply our perspective. Of course, our partner loves that fact that we see them as largely perfect.
Over time, we see that the perfect-person isn’t perfect at all. Matter-of-fact they are a lot like everyone else that we’ve ever gone out with! But it’s not that person’s fault, they’ve been the same all along. We’ve merely changed our perspective. You both get through that disillusionment phase and move on – or you break up, meet someone else and start it all over again.
I make myself smile by telling myself that I could get along with anyone... it’s just that I can’t compromise! I am able to see the irony that this “one small point” could mean that I don’t get along with anyone.
OK the second point... I was talking with the same buddy on the telephone and she was saying how much she enjoyed my writing and had a lot of respect for my thoughts. I laughed and laughed. She didn’t understand what I found so funny.
All because I’m able to think straight a couple nights a year – please don’t assume that I am enlightened. She really should have known better – she’s my ex-wife!
People in concept
People in reality
The only difference is our perception
OK, another little story before we get into the next piece of mail. I was driving through Montana a couple of weeks ago. When I am on the road and come across Christian radio, I tend to listen in. There are a lot of good lessons in the Bible and some of the preachers are quite entertaining. A guy can’t listen to Public Enemy and Crystal Method all the time!
The pastor was talking about the most liberating concept that he’d come across in his 40+ years of working with people... ‘Total Forgiveness’ – I think he had written a book by this title. Key things that I remembered from it:
- Completely forgive the person AND yourself.
- Don’t tell the person that you’ve forgiven them – most the time they don’t know that they have done anything. In telling them about our forgiveness, we are merely trying to get a little revenge for the hurt we experienced.
- Continually forgive the person (and yourself) there will be tests and reminders to try to get you to stop forgiving
- Break the cycle of suffering – make a commitment that the suffering stops with your forgiveness. Don’t give the pain life by passing the story on to others. (I added a Buddhist teaching here).
There were a few more points (all excellent) but these were the ones that stood out. At eighty miles per hour, tough to take notes! If we look at our actions in many relationships, we will see that they are driven from either a lack of forgiveness or the seeking of revenge at a mild to moderate to material level. In viewing our actions through this seeing glass, we learn a lot about ourselves.
In continually forgiving someone, we free our mind to think clearly. When we are thinking clearly the right path becomes apparent.
Besides, it takes too much energy to hold a grudge against people.
More from the mail bag...
I’m wondering what it is like for you having been once married to be single? Have you been able to create a solid base of friends that love and care about you that can replace what a marriage creates? (this is a big assumption in terms of marriage and what it creates). Do you ever feel a bit lost?
Are you scared that no one will love you? That you will be alone? If yes, then you are perfectly normal! Do your best to be positive and share love with others – you’ll never be alone – they’ll get hooked on you.
The right path for me, isn’t the right path for everyone. But here are some observations.
Married vs single – for me the actual differential is single vs in a relationship. Marriage is a distinction created by man. It’s a social contract with clear penalties for ending it. It’s supposed to protect the woman, give her security. Have a look at the stats and you’ll see that reality is a bit different! The strong in any relationship continue to be strong outside of the relationship.
Given the amount of books I read, I have a surprising resistance to any person “telling me” what to do. I think that I would have benefited from some pre-marriage consulting, understanding what both parties are seeking out of marriage. Having been married, observing and listening to people talk about marriage – many (not all) folks simply want to “be married”. They are conforming to the perceived norms of society. In terms of what marriage actually brings, I don’t think you need to be married for that.
A bit of a diversion from your question!
What’s it like to be me? Most the time absolutely fantastic, some of the time a bit flat. I think that modern society does many people a disservice by constantly telling them that they are supposed to be “happy” all the time. Life’s not really like that. Sure, our mood depends on how “we” see reality and there will be extended periods of happiness when we have our heads on straight. But it’s also normal to be a bit flat. No need to freak out when that happens.
Happiness depends more on our state of mind than on our co-habitation status. See my thoughts above about the needs of love. Different ways to fill those needs.
I think everyone feels a little lost at times. Perfectly normal. I think that’s why so many people are comfortable being followers. They relieve themselves of the burden of self-determination. They live their lives for others, for duty, for their faith, for their company, for their parents… for everyone other than themselves. Some might call them noble, personally, I think it’s a bit silly. BUT – if their beliefs bring them satisfaction and happiness then it works for them. No matter how we live our lives, when we realize that our life is our choice – I’ve found that to be very liberating for myself.
Related to this point is something that came up on my board the other day. People relieving themselves of the chance to be great due to “poor genetics”. The ultimate cop-out. Failure is hardwired into my DNA, it’s hopeless. Yeah, right! Think like that and you’ll never get anything achieved. The life we have is a direct result of thousands of decisions that we have made. Want to change your life, then change the decisions that you make “right now”. The only thing that you control is how you choose to respond “right now”.
Don’t we just go out and create the same troubled relationships next time around because we didn’t learn the lessons we needed to learn the first time?
I used to think that. However, these days, I am not so sure. Maybe there are no lessons to be learned. Maybe we simply need to decide to do our best to forgive and love the world that passes in front of us. What lesson was there for me to learn? If I am having issues within traditional relationships then perhaps the lesson is that these relationships are not appropriate for me? I’m not sure. Maybe the lesson is simply to relax and stop starting the cycle every time. The gifts of love are available everywhere.
Love
Freedom
Mental stimulation
Physical expression
You can get the four points above, within or without a marriage.
Most people are terrified of being alone. Terrified of change. Combine these two and you have a large reason why folks will tolerate an unreasonable amount of abuse from their partners. When you realize that you have a choice, when you know what you want – it’s very tough for someone to impair your happiness. Their insanity becomes clear when you view them with compassion.
If it is our own behavior that creates the problem, why not just stay with the person you are with and correct it?
Good point. I think that you are on to something there. The issues that we face inside ourselves and inside our relationships are universal. My friends that have worked through these issues gain tremendous strength from their relationships.
Of course, there really isn’t anything to correct – Western society is always telling us that there is something “wrong” with us – sells more self-help books! There is nothing wrong with us. That’s just the way we are – for now.
Maybe all the situation needs is forgiveness, acceptance and love. You can melt any reasonable person with the strategy. It’s what the soul craves. Of course, knowing this point, I find myself reluctant to employ the strategy. To melt someone to my side would entail a certain level of responsibility, perhaps. It might also mean that I was forced to continually forgive, love and accept. I’m probably not ready for that and THAT’S the likely reason why I am happy and single.
Your statement makes the assumption that you need to be with someone. You are placing a condition on your happiness that you must be with another. I believe strongly that we need friends, however, in looking around, there are many examples of people living rich, satisfying lives without marital partners.
My partner is very smart, attractive, loving, fun person that also is self centered, selfish, needy and an alcoholic that won’t truly come to terms with that fact. (I have very mixed feelings about the term alcoholic as I think it means many things to many people.)
Change “alcoholic” to “addict” and you are describing every person that I respect in my life (except most of them have come to terms with the way they are). The attributes required to excel are the same as those which can result in driving us mad! An addictive personality is a blessing when channeled towards positive addictions.
Observation – I’ve seen in the past relationships where one partner is hooked on trying to “fix” the “damaged” partner. “To be sick of sickness is the only cure.” People that are sick, don’t need to be told that they are sick. They need to be given the tools and environment to become well. For social ills, love and acceptance go a long way. If we can’t provide that, or, if the person isn’t ready then we should consider removing ourselves. I’ve been in situations, where the best thing I ever did for myself (and the other person) was resign. I realized that I was an impediment to the other person making progress – the “doctor” had to go!
I’ll only hang around with people that reinforce the direction I want to go, that embody the attributes that I aspire towards. It’s a speedy way to learn and get to where you want to go.
If I leave, won’t I get another bundle of “issues” with the next person I’m with?
Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. You are talking about the future. The future never arrives. Learn from the past and act in the present. What’s the right thing to do... “right now”. That’s where I focus.
Also, your “issues” will only be with you as long as you give them life. Our issues depend on us. An outside force might make us forget about our issues, but true happiness can never come from outside. It must come from within. Anything else is a diversion... crack for the soul!
I’m wondering what your experience has been with meeting, getting to know and being with other woman since your divorce. I know this is a rather personal question, but do the same issues you had with your first wife keep coming up with every woman you are with?
The issues with my wife... ha ha. She might tell you about the issues with me! I had to reminder her the other night that, having lived with me, she really should know better than to say I am a nice guy! ;-)
The gift that I have been able to bring the women in my life was that they “knew” that I loved them. I managed to make them feel loved at some point in time – not all the time by any means. It’s the surfboard that I mentioned at the top of the page. We ride high sometimes, we get smashed into the reef sometimes. I try to reduce the amount of reef smashing – but I enjoy training 5-8 hours a day so the lifeguard isn’t always around. Also, elites are pretty selfish in the fact that they have total dedication to their chosen direction.
Love is pretty addictive stuff – really plays with the mind. As I matured and understood my mission (my path, my direction), there has been a constant theme that the women in my life aren’t so keen on being #2 to my path.
Some quotes... “You spend more time on your bike that on me!” “I wish, just once, that I saw the same joy in your eyes when you are with me as when you are out training.” When I hear these statements – I smile because they are sooo true. What they are really telling me is that I need to make them feel more loved. Some of us exist to facilitate love in others. In doing that, it boomerangs around. The interesting thing is that a needy person will never be satisfied, we are filling a leaky vessel. So I’ve given up expecting there to be an ending of the need to love someone. Perhaps another reason why I am single these days. Training at my level requires a lot of energy.
Ladies are pretty observant! I’m not going to live my life hiding the joy that I experience in other parts of my life.
I’ll finish with a metaphor that a very good friend shared with me… he was talking about elites. Specifically, talking about how they have near total focus on “the objective”. How it might be nice to have a picnic with a chick some time -- to back off and enjoy things.
Easter Sunday, I was driving back down to Boulder after a 20 mile run at 8,000 feet and it hit me... I'm not a picnic guy. Given the choice, I'll take the 20 mile run every time. So each morning since, I wake up and ask myself about the plan for the day. I smile and flag the picnic for one more day.
I've been telling my picnic story a lot – nobody really gets it. I’m a little more focused than most. Part of me wants to have that picnic. Part of me wants to get to my afternoon run!
I told the story back to my pal. His reply went along the lines of, “when you come across a good reason to compromise, you’ll compromise. Until then, just keep rolling.”
That’s not quite what he said, but I am certain that’s what I heard. Gotta go run...
gordo
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